Aching Night

by annadelaurier

Age nineteen is a tricky place to be. It isn’t yet clear where the blurred, zigzagged line between the child and the adult life is. We face many decisions that will potentially impact the rest of our lives, or at least have major consequences for the time being. Right now I am beginning to accept the fact that I will not be participating in Mission Year 2013-2014. I didn’t even find out what city I would have been placed in. The reasons for this decision are complicated at the very least, and I do not wish to share all of the details. I’m not sure when my mind will be at ease, but for now my goal is to make the best of my situation. I plan to move to Atlanta as soon as I find a nannying job and an affordable apartment.

Instead of dwelling on the ache inside, I will choose to be content. Part of that ache is my dissatisfaction with who I am, which is something I have been attempting to address, especially concerning how I relate to those I love. I want to begin to live in such a way that exemplifies the fact that I am loved by God and have done nothing of worth apart from the grace of God given freely through Jesus. This ache has come as a result of long years of built up self-pity, guilt, and shame because I have always felt alone in the struggle against sin. I am realizing now that it is not by my own power that I have been given this gift. I’ve heard it a million times, but now I know it is true. Each person has been given a purpose. God is not limited by human constraints, so even if we do not see ourselves as valuable, we are. We don’t have to understand why we are in a circumstance, we only have to make a decision about what attitude we choose to have. Tonight, through repeating the Lord’s Prayer in my head over and over, I learned that my shame as a result of sin is what stops me from showing compassion. I do not feel worthy to share with others in their suffering because I feel like a hypocrite if I act like I have it together. My pride keeps me from apologizing and asking for forgiveness when I have wronged someone, especially someone I love dearly. It’s insane because we are all the same…we all have the same pride and unwillingness to admit what we’ve done wrong. There are also more important things to worry about than our own pride. Pride prohibits healing. To heal, one needs to become vulnerable. I’m beginning to let God chip away at the stone wall around my true self, so I can allow myself to be vulnerable and ultimately to heal.