Yellow Bird

Month: June, 2013

A sinner

Most often the things I criticise or judge others for are just a projection upon them of what I dislike about myself. This in itself is selfish, foolish, and irrational and I should have realized it before now. Right now I feel unsure about most things in my life, but I will not stop praying.. “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” This phrase helps center and still my mind.
I have nothing more today, except exhaustion.

Indeed…

Indeed….

The Heart of the Matter

Tri

Even though I’m not going through my mid-life crisis, my best friend, Laura, and I participated in my first sprint triathlon yesterday. There isn’t a great way to descirbe the feeling of a 56 year old woman passing me on the 18.75 mile bike ride telling me to “pump it.” Later, her chain came off so I stopped to ask if she needed help and she was like “no, honey, don’t let me hold you up.” About half a mile later she passed me again letting me know she fixed her chain. What a confidence booster. We all had our ages in permanent marker on our calves. Other numbers that passed me on the bike were 49, 37, 46, and 51. My 19 year old legs just couldn’t pedal as fast, I suppose. My three goals of the race were to not stop, make it under two hours, and to finish the race. I conquered all three, fortunately. I even got fourth place in my age group, which was unexpected. If I must be honest though, I have to say that there were only three other girls I was competing against. Laura got to stand up on the podium for making third, which was exciting. I regret not training as well as I should have, but I feel pretty good about being able to even do it with the amount of training I did. I was on top of the world as received that astounding burst of energy out of nowhere I sprinted across the finish line.

I have never done anything so physically challenging, and it’s exciting to know what I accomplished. That said, I would also pretty much be fine with never doing another one, but I may depending on how motivated I feel. This makes me think of how I want to challenge myself more. Not only physically, but mentally, spiritually, and intellectually as well. Life isn’t worth living if everything is easy all the time. That’s part of the reason I want to be a nanny full time in a couple months; it definitely is not going to be easy. Living in a new city on my own in itself will be difficult. I’m looking forward to making decisions and being responsible for myself. I’m also looking forward to meeting different types of people and growing into the person I want to be. I saw my new apartment for the first time yesterday and actually moved some of my stuff in. It hit me that it’s actually happening and I’m thrilled.

From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

nodus tollens
n. the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore—that although you thought you were following the arc of the story, you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don’t understand, that don’t even seem to belong in the same genre—which requires you to go back and reread the chapters you had originally skimmed to get to the good parts, only to learn that all along you were supposed to choose your own adventure.

 

From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

Islands by The XX

After my accidental all-nighter Saturday night, I went

After my accidental all-nighter Saturday night, I went to Orthros and Liturgy at St. Philothea Greek Orthodox Church. It was beautiful, to say the least. I am so drawn to that life because it draws people into communion with God Almighty, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe. I love that it engages all of the senses; smell the incense, gaze at the iconography, hear the bells and the chanting, change positions depending on what part of the service we are in, touch or kiss the priest’s hand, taste the body and blood of Christ. Worship should engage the entire person, and this is what the Liturgy does.
All night Saturday, I had been anxious about so many things and literally could not turn my mind off long enough to fall asleep. As I was driving away from the church, I realized that I felt lighter and began to realize that God still is in control and he loves us, even if everything in my life isn’t perfect or straightforward. When I arrived at my house, my dad told me that all along, he had been planning to pay the difference of whatever I owed for the mission trip to Uganda, which is something I had been trying to figure out how I would handle. I hadn’t even really thought to ask him. My father is a wonderful example of Jesus’ love. Every day, he takes up his cross and shows me how to live a pure life. He works harder than anyone else I know. He paid my debt when he knew I couldn’t do it on my own. Happy Father’s Day to me because my dad is better than yours.

Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America

Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America

Late night reading.

Almost 2am

I suppose it isn’t a good sign when I can’t fall asleep even after taking melatonin. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts, concerns, worries, plans, ideas…. It hasn’t been this bad for years, but before when I was sleep deprived, my head spun with discouragement, sadness, numbness, anger, disappointment, and loneliness. At least that isn’t the case anymore.

Something interesting…research inspired by Kristian Canler.

Complex of Non-Love to One-Self

The complex might be caused by possible traumatic experience concerning one`s own appearance, which was unfavorably judged by the others, especially the close people, whose opinion is the most valuable.

  • The ungrounded perception that one doesn`t merit the love of others and, therefore, one`s own love;

  • The extremely low self esteem;

  • The rejection of the possibility that somebody might like this person;

  • The neglectfulness towards the personal care;

  • The careless attitude towards one`s own destiny.

‘The Complex of Non-Love to One-Self’ is, indeed, one of the most widespread complexes in the modern world, which, however, might not be recognized and be well concealed from the others. The complex only provokes the unnecessary sufferance, which can be avoided owing to a practical psychological assistance. In this case, the courses of the elevation of the self-esteem will be of high effectiveness.

(http://analyticalpsychology.wordpress.com/2011/04/08/types-of-psychological-complexes/)

I’ll end this with a lovely song:
Sufjan’s “To Be Alone With You”

Peace.

Salad

Often my expectations of something to come are much too idealistic. A small example that occurred most recently involves the garden I planted in May. It’s just a small raised bed with cucumbers, onions, spinach, and lettuce planted. Today, I was thrilled with the thought of eating a salad for dinner that I picked from my back yard. After I took my first bite, though, I was extremely disappointed with how bitter it tasted. I took a few more bites, then turned to the internet. Apparently lettuce and spinach does not do well in high temperatures and will turn bitter if it’s not picked before it gets terribly hot. Now I know. It happened because I did not seek enough guidance for growing a garden.. not that it’s all that difficult, but I could have asked more questions. I feel like I go through all my days like that, just kind of walking along trying to do things on my own, even if I have no idea how. I’m learning that it is not a sign of weakness to ask for help, but it is a wise thing to do.

The wise prevail through great power,
    and those who have knowledge muster their strength.
Surely you need guidance to wage war,
    and victory is won through many advisers.

Proverbs 24 : 5, 6

In other news, I may have found a roommate and apartment in Virginia HIghlands Atlanta. In the same day I met her, I met a mother who wants to hire me as a part time nanny. I really need a full time job, but if all I can get is part time, I will hopefully work at Starbucks to prepare for my long-term dream. I have an interview with a family at the end of the month for a full-time, long-term position, so I’m really hoping that will work out.