For the past few weeks, I have been preparing with joyous excitement for Mission Year 2013-2014 (missionyear.org). This opportunity was going to be the beginning of my new life. Now everything has changed. My sister blames herself for the suicide of her friend, Ryan. My sixteen year old little baby sister thinks she caused a fourteen year old boy to DIE. There are more details to the story that I will not share freely on the internet, but if you think this is bad, it only gets worse as you know the whole story. I am having a great amount of trouble wrapping my mind around the situation. I’ve been listening to Easy/Lucky/Free by Bright Eyes on repeat tonight. When my father first told me what happened, as expected my first reaction was denial. My little sister could not possibly be in this circumstance. Then I was angry. I’m not really sure at whom, but I think I definitely had some animosity toward God. I could not understand why a child had to die in order for Sarah to wake up to reality. I also couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that he may be in hell now. I do not think he was a believer, but I’m also not totally sure. This boy was a year older than my little brother, James. I cannot imagine the pain his family is feeling now.
Everything is broken.
In the words of Conor Oberst,”Did it all get real? I guess it’s real enoughThey got refrigerators full of bloodAnother century spent pointing guns At anything that movesSometimes I worry that I’ve lost the plotMy twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughtsI never really dreamed of heaven much Until we put him in the groundBut it’s all I’m doing nowListening for patterns in the sound Of an endless static seaBut once the satellite’s deceasedIt blows like garbage through the streets Of the night sky to infinity
Don’t you weep”
Now I am considering staying home next year (I have already withdrawn from Berry) and homeschooling Sarah. Maybe I will go to Cafe1040 second semester or summer 2014. I suppose I need to decide soon. I feel that Dad wants me to stay home. I’m the only one Sarah will really listen or respond to, and that isn’t even true one hundred percent of the time.
I do not know where to go from here. I have more confusion in my mind than ever before. God will use my former experience with depression for good in this situation, but I’m still wondering why it has to be like this.